


a cup of coffee and an overdose

by bebtea



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio), Wolf 359 - Fandom
Genre: ADHD icons, Gen, Goddard Futuristics is a healthy workplace, Merry Christmas lads, Not, Pre-Canon, SI-5, Sensus unit, ambient music, being si-5, its just about coffee, jacobi and maxwell being bffs, nothing bad happens really, this is pure silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 21:15:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21961078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bebtea/pseuds/bebtea
Summary: Jacobi hasn’t been sleeping. Then he finds something new in the SI-5 break room.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 22





	a cup of coffee and an overdose

“Good morning, Mr. Jacobi!”

Other than the fact that the voice is chipper and pleasant, it sounds exactly like Dr Pryce, and Jacobi almost jumps out of his skin. He came in early to try and avoid everybody, and 0700 hours is far too soon to be dealing with any of the higher ups, especially the ones who give him the creeps.

“G-good morning, ma’am. Uh… where… where are…”

He scans the SI-5 break room. Stools; the fridge-freezer; a microwave; a table with a half empty box of Krispy Kreme donuts; a pinboard stuck with a calendar, featuring holiday request forms you’d be a fool to consider filling out and increasingly passive-aggressive reminders about a Goddard Futuristics quiz night you’d be a fool to consider missing. 

Not another person to be seen.

“Over here, Mr. Jacobi!”

He turns his head to the right and then sighs. Sighs heavily. “Oh. Of course. You’re not Dr Pryce. You’re a coffee machine.”

“Not just a coffee machine! My name is Hebe, and I am controlling the first intelligent warm beverage machine ever invented!”

“...so you’re what Maxwell’s been working on in off hours all week?”

“Yep!”

“Can I have a double espresso then, Hebe-”

“Ah ah ah! Please put your hand into the lit up slot.”

Jacobi walks nearer to the machine. It’s an obsidian cuboid, almost twice as large as the old coffee machine and, on closer inspection, with cameras and microphones on all sides. There is indeed a slot for a hand and underneath, a tap and paper cup, presumably for coffee.

“You promise you won’t break my hand or inject me with anything that gives me a really warped sense of reality, right? I’ve heard rumours about you sensus units that would make your hair curl.”

“I promise! And I also… don’t have hair?”

“True.” Jacobi reluctantly puts his hand in the slot. “Okay, what- ow!”

He pulls his hand away. There is a bead of blood on the tip of his index finger. “You promised it wouldn’t hurt!”

“No, Mr. Jacobi, I promised not to-“” Hebe plays back his voice through her speakers. “‘-break my hand or inject me with anything that gives me a really warped sense of reality.’”

Jacobi puts his finger in his mouth, grumbling. “I want the old coffee machine back. The one that didn’t use needles. Why did you stick me?”

“You already have far more than the recommended amount of caffeine in your bloodstream. You have drunk four energy drinks and had six cups of coffee in the past twenty-four hours.”

“Oh, so you took my bloods to shame me. Can I have that double espresso now? My head is pounding.”

“I’m not surprised! Your heart rate is very high, and I estimate that you haven’t slept in the past two and a half days! Allowing you a double espresso would be detrimental to your health. Your recommended drink is waiting in the serving hatch.”

“What the hell is it?” Jacobi eyes the murky green liquid with a mixture of curiosity and disgust.

“This substance contains the vitamins and iron your body is lacking, whilst also appealing to your apparent taste for sugary coffee. Try it.”

“Oh, what the hell. I’ve probably had worse.” He downs it in one. “Good God!”

“Did you like it?” Hebe suddenly sounds shy. 

“It was… much better than expected, actually. Thank you.”

“Yay! I have been informed that “better than expected” is the highest form of praise I can receive from Mr. Jacobi! You are very welcome. Place your cup below for another refill. Then enjoy your day!”

***  
“You called her Hebe… Cupbearer to the gods, eh?”

“You wanted to see me, sir?”

It’s 0915, twenty minutes after Kepler walked into work to find Jacobi passed out and impossible to rouse. For a minute, staring at the empty paper cup on the floor, he suspected foul play on Cutter’s behalf. Look, Warren! I can poison your people when and if I want to and there is literally nothing you can do about it! Think of this as a bonding exercise… you and Alana get to work out an antidote together! Good luck!

Needless to say, when he checked Jacobi’s pulse and found it at an almost normal rate for once (and after consulting the break room’s newest AI), he realised what had happened.

“Dr Maxwell. Is Dr Pryce aware that you’re using one of her very valuable sensus units - one of her rejected by the board for a reason sensus units - in the break room coffee machine?”

“...no sir.” Her voice is small. She stands like a kid in front of a teacher’s desk, not actually looking at Major Kepler but at the floor, like if she stares hard enough it will swallow her up. “But, uh, Hebe works! And she didn’t take any time from my assigned tasks, so-”

“Do you want me to tell Dr Pryce you’re using one of her sensus units in the break room coffee machine?”

Maxwell goes a shade of white beyond pale. It’s almost close to green. She’s never actually met Dr Pryce, but the threat that someone scarier than Cutter exists is enough.

“Dr Maxwell?”

“N-no, sir!”

“Okay, so listen to me. You are going to shut down that machine and then you are going to Starbucks and buying enough coffee to get Mr. Jacobi awake and through his current projects. Are we clear?”

“But sir, I-”

“Maxwell? Are. We. Clear?”

“I’m worried about Jacobi’s health,” Maxwell blurts before she can stop herself. “I mean, we’ve all been students. I know what it’s like to basically survive on caffeine but he’s pressuring himself to do far too much and-”

“When we’re concerned about our friends, Alana, we talk to them about the issue. We don’t design robots to try and cure them. Now, our Mr. Jacobi has an addictive personality; he enjoys everything to excess. All he’s going to do is start drinking more of that vitamin drink than is good for him and you’ll have a whole new problem.”

“The machine won’t allow him to-” she finally shuts up, seeing Kepler has completely lost patience, and braces for impact.

“All I know is that my right hand man has passed out and it won’t give me an Americano to start my morning.” Kepler’s voice rises steadily. “You will fix this problem... and you will fix it within the next five minutes... or Dr Pryce will be told and your pretty little head WILL BE VIOLENTLY DRAINED OF ALL INTELLIGENT THOUGHT AND STUCK ON A PIKE ON HER DESK! I NEED MY RIGHT HAND MAN AWAKE AND I NEED MY GODDAMN COFFEE. ARE. WE. CLEAR?”

“As crystal, sir!” Maxwell squeaks, bolting out of the door.

***  
“Rise and shine, sleeping beauty.”

There is a groan, which is more sign of life than all of Kepler’s yelling got out of him.

“Eh, seriously, Jacobi, wake up if you love me or I am actually going to be murdered by head office.”

More groaning.

“I have coffeeeee-”  
She waves it under his nose. He lifts up his head with his left hand, leaning his elbow on the table.

“Withdrawal symptoms?”

“Jeez, Alana, it’s as bad as coming off the booze.”

“You do look awful.” She passes him the double espresso. “Override code. Hebe gives me whatever I want.”

“All right for some, isn’t it.” Jacobi takes slow sips of the drink, wincing.

“I want to apologise to you, actually,” Maxwell turns towards Hebe. “It wasn’t really fair to give a sensus unit of any ability control of a hot drinks machine and nothing else.”

“Dr Maxwell? You saved me from the trash pile. When it’s a choice between this little cube and nothing at all, well… it’s not so bad. And hey, it’s not just hot drinks. You gave me ambient music too.”

As if to demonstrate her abilities, ambient music begins to flow through the room.

“That is true,” Maxwell muses. “How would you like control of the entire break room?”

“Maxwell, no, Kepler’s going to kill you.”

“Kepler doesn’t have to know. Think about it, Jacobi. Reliable AC and heating. Someone on our side who can search through most of the company’s databases in an instant. Really good coffee…”

Jacobi rolls his eyes, then grasps his head again when the movement fills it with pain.“He’ll find out. You can’t lie to save your life.”

“He’s right, Dr Maxwell. You need to put me back in the archives.”

“Ugh. Fine. You ran the best coffee machine we’ve ever had, though. Code 4620-G.”

“Thanks for giving me a chance, Dr Maxwell. Powering down.”

There’s a devastating beep as the lights on the coffee machine flicker out for good.

“What was wrong with her, anyway? That she got shunted?”

“Too slow to run a whole ship or whole space station. There’s nothing wrong with her, she’s just old tech. They could update her, but hey, ‘why bother when we can just make a brand new one?’” Maxwell looks upset for a moment, then shrugs. “It’s okay. I guess I’m not used to the endless supply of money this company has. Where I’m from we saved every spare part. And it seems… harsh… to give someone a personality and then… consign them to a box...”

“Maxwell?”

“Yeah?”

“I do love you, but don’t ever try to force me off coffee again. Just… occasionally remind me that humans need sleep to function?”

Maxwell grins. “What will you do for me in return?”

“Uhhh… I’ll distract you when you get hyperfocused for over fourteen hours and forget to eat. Deal?”

“Deal.”

There’s a slam on the wall of Kepler’s office. “MAXWELL! Where the hell is my Americano?!”

“I… really ought to have got that whilst Hebe was still online.”

“Ya think?” Jacobi jumps up. “I’m off to the lab before he emerges in full rage mode. See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!”

“Jacobi! Jacobi come back! You suck!”


End file.
